Tips for Noobs

Quoted from the MWB mailing list. I found some of these positively delightful.

"From Seattle with love,
My Raveriffic Co-Regional Posted the Following on our local discussion list. My response is toward the bottom

It's that time of year folks, where I whip out ye olde regional hat, and declare:

TIPS FOR NEWBIES!

Tip #1: EARPLUGS.
Tip #2:
Tip#3:
Tip#4:

Bonus tip for the boys: Johnson and Johnson 100 percent cornstarch unscented baby powder. Put LOTS on yo' junk every day.
Riff Raff saved me with this one.
Tip #1: EARPLUGS.
Tip #2: 2 Emergen-C and 3 cups off coffee immediately
after waking up and immediately before drinking
Tip#3:
Tip#4:

Bonus tip for the boys: Trim yer armpit hair (don't shave). Seriously. I can give you at least 5 reasons why this is helpful. I know it sounds weird, but even you playa vets should try it.

Bonus tip #2 for everybody: The sooner you can embrace the dust, the better. If you fight it you will lose and you will be miserable. When the dust coats you and everything you own just let it.

Bonus tip #3 : Playa dust is an excellent sunscreen. YOu should embrace it (see Bonus Tip #2).

Bonus tip #4 : Do not belive anything Diem tells you. If you need earplugs to sleep, then you are not ready to go to bed yet. You are therefore doing it wrong.

Bonus tip #5 : The Peterman plan is grossly overrated.

Bonus tip #6 : You only need enough food to last you until wednesday. Seriously. Everybody always brings more food than they need. After wednesday everyone starts worrying that their food is gunna go bad so they start cooking it up and offering it out to strangers. On thursday the weekend yahoo lookiloo spectators get there with fresh supplies of abundant tasties. Go two blocks back from the esplanade and walk until you smell quesedillas. Follow your nose to deliciousness.

Bonus tip #6 : You do not need to bring any of the following :
-Blinky Things
-EL Wire
-Silver Clothing
-Funny Hats
-Glow Sticks
-Wings
-Pacifiers
It is possible to radically express yourself without a costume.

Bonus tip #7 : Unless you are overly sensitive, the dust cannot hurt you. Dust masks and goggles are very overrated. If you are overly sensitive, stay home.

Bonus tip #8 : Cheering when the sun either goes up or down will only show how much of a sheep you have become. I promise you, it will be up again tomorrow about a half-day before it goes right back down again. There is really no need to cheer. However, if you cheer every day for the sun's rise and set anyway well, I really can't help you.

Bonus Tip #9 : Give a man a glow stick and he will be happy for about 6 hours. Teach a man to Raver Fish and he will be happy forever.

Bonus Tip #10 : Nobody at Burning Man wants to buy a space station.

Bonus Tip #11 : Cuddle domes may seem like a good idea, but make sure you bring Purell and you watch out for pink eye.

Bonus Tip #12 : Bikes are overrated. Walk to the esplanade and hop on an art car. That is why they are there. Who cares where its going? You will end up where you need to be.

Bonus Tip #13 : Never, ever, ever under any circumstances embark on an outing with more than two other people. More than that is like herding retarded kittens. Nobody can ever decide where to go and then someone gets lost and someone else sees a blinky thing and then its all over.

Bonus Tip #14 : The Poop Hammock. When the Jonny On the Spots (porta potties) have been freshly clean, you must watch out for splash back. The way to prevent splash back is the Poop Hammock. Instructions:

1) Lay a couple of long pieces of toilet paper lengthwise over the bowl. Let it droop a ways down into "the pit" Tuck the ends under the seat. Do the same thing lengthwise a couple of times.

2) Poop

The Poop hammock will break the fall of the poop therefore creating less splashback of the blue water on your ass. As a second feature, the hammock will serve as a guard for what splashback there is. Blueless bottoms every time!

Bonus Tip #15 : Funnest thing ever : "Playa Spins." Go find an open piece of playa with no obstructions nearby. Look directly up and find a star to fixate your eyes on. Spin around as fast as you can for as long as you can. Stop. Run as fast as you can. Fall down. Laugh uproariously. Repeat. (there are many ways to enhance this experience, which I encourage).

Bonus Tip #16: Playa Navigation. Look for blinky shiny bright looking anything. Go there. Repeat.

Bonus Tip #17: Get lost on purpose.

Bonus Tip #18: Great Game to play (of my invention). Cargo Shorts Vs. Burner Hair. This game is best to play on the esplanade in center camp. Find a friend and pick teams. One person takes cargo shorts the other takes burner hair (extentions, dreadlocks, blue hair, etc.). If you pick cargo shorts you get a point for each pair that you point out. Likewise for burner hair. Play to 50, 100, 1000 whatever. Other
variations such as Funny Hat Vs. Hippy Drum, Topless Vs. Bottomless, etc.

Bonus Tip #19 : Pants.

Bonus Tip #20 : First Camp is where all the organizers of Burning Man camp. Its right on the esplanade where the promanade leads into first camp. Their coolers are always well-stocked with tasty food and microbrews. Feel free to stop in, hang out as long as you'd like, and get wasted. Make sure you ask lots of questions. Especially personal questions. If you do Reiki or Massage make sure you offer it to everybody.

Bonus Tip #21 : Walk into a trance camp with a megaphone and you will be the life of every party.

Bonus Tip #22 : Do not volounteer to do anything in your camp if it is your first year. We all already know that once you get there you will be disappearing for the first three days. When you finally come stumbling back to camp and are all like "Oh my god, you'll never guess what I saw blahblah blah blah...." we will laugh at you and tell you to drink water. That is what is going to happen. Seriously. Watch.

Bonus Tip #23 : You know those hilarious cat pictures on the internets with captions like "I like Moar now Ples" or "I'm in your bass, killin yer d00dz." And then there is that other thing with the prairie dog turning around, and the "all yer bass belong to us." You know what I'm talking about, funny things that catch on quick and go on and on and on in different incarnations and variations ad infinitum. Well, the
playa is like that only 1,000,000 times better. So learn to be funny. Quick.

Bonus Tip #24 : You know how the vikings called it Greenland even though it was covered in ice and called it ICeland even though it was all nice and purdy? They did that to confuse conquorers. So with that I have one word for you: Hushville.

Bonus Tip #25 : If you ever feel the temptation to use the words "be quiet" or "shut up" at any point during the event, it is time to go home.

Bonus Tip #26 : One of the most horrifying and entertaining things you will ever see is your closest friends going into complete and utter meltdown. Its a special moment to be cherished. Welcome to the Playa.

Matthew A. Conlon, Esq.
//Seattle Burning Man regional"